Stumbling Toward the Light

"We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly" -- Madeleine L'Engle

A collection of thoughts and messages I wrote after my daughter died May 17, 2000. Primarily this blog is concerned with grief, bereavement, the death of a child, hope, courage and a tough faith journey.

Location: Kansas, United States

Husband, father of four, friend, dog owner, owned by a cat, Episcopalian, last liberal Republican left in the U.S.

Monday, May 14, 2007


May 17th will mark seven years since the night Rachel died.

I have been thinking of her more lately and how Diana and I are moving away in time from the days when she was with us here. Often when she comes to mind I see her dancing through the sprinkler in the front yard singing a song at the top of her voice, calling to me to come out and have a water fight.

In these memories I am always inside the house, looking at her through the glass storm door, smiling while she moves alone through the front yard bathed in the light of a bright summer day. We have several trees in the front ofthe house and they provide a greenish filter for anything seen from the storm door. It gives a softer tone to the memory of her leaping through the "fountains" of water. She is healthy in these visions and separate from me.... She dances in the light and I stand on the other side of the glass door watching.

Recently Diana and I got a CD by the singer, Norah Jones. On this CD is a song, "Seven Years." I don't know how but Norah Jones knew my seven year old daughter because this song is the perfect descriptionof my memories of watching her.

I listen to it and I wish we could have one more water fight. Some days it's really hard standing on the other side of the glass door watching the memories of the little girl dancing all alone. Here are the words to the song:


Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallen to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her
favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
and she's all alone"
---Norah Jones


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